The Art of Self Destruction
by eternaladdict
Summary: Tony will always be there for his little sister. Warning: contains tony/effy from chapter 2 onwards- don't read if it creeps you out!
1. Chapter 1

**The Art of Self Destruction**

**Part 1**

When she's six Effy gets lost.

It the annual family holiday in the south of France and they leave their parents further up the beach to play tag in the waves. But Effy's legs are shorter than Tony's and she keeps falling and it's not much fun.

'No' she says stubbornly to Tony's offer to accompany her back to their parents (after all she is six now and more than old enough to find her own way) but the beach is busy and she has to weave in and out of families camped out on towels and sun loungers with screaming children running from the threat of sunscreen and somehow when she looks up she finds she's veered drastically off course.

Even at six years old she's a smart kid (she knows this because Tony told her last time she'd managed to avoid eating her broccoli at dinner and the feeling of pride had sat warm in her chest for weeks after) so she does her best not to cry and instead be the brave, clever Effy that makes Tony proud.

Deep breath in and she's trying very hard to retrace her steps, she really is, but there are just too many people and the traitorous tears prickling at the corners of her eyes make it difficult to see anything.

With the heavy feeling of inevitability in her gut she sits down in the dying light and gives in to her tears.

---

Of course it's Tony who finds her in the end, sitting alone in the sand.

As soon as she catches sight of him something in her relaxes and the panic leaves her. She only feels shame at being such a baby, but even though she knows she deserves it he doesn't mock her or even comment on her tears, just leads her to a bench, sits her down and puts one warm, very comforting arm around her.

'I got lost' she says stupidly, as soon as she can talk, then regrets it immediately because obviously that's what's happened and she wants desperately for her big brother to still think she's clever. But he doesn't seem to care, just tilts her head upwards so she's looking him straight in the eyes and says 'It's OK' with more tender sincerity than an eight year old should possess.

Her tears have stopped by now but she's still shaking and he pulls her against him tightly as if unconcerned with the fact that at eight years old he's far too grown up to be seen in public cuddling his sister.

'I found you didn't I?' he whispers when her trembling continues, 'I will always find you'.

Even at six years old, frightened and half hysterical, Effy can tell the difference between a lie and the truth.

He will always find her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

The world is burning and she likes the sight.

Life is the colour of the fire in Spencer's hands, shooting red sparks as he spins her round and round and she doesn't want it to ever stop. Life is the blistering heat from his lips as they kiss and Jesus Christ standing before her holding out his hand, leading her into hell.

A cold needle in her arm and then she's burning too

---

When she opens her eyes it's to a brave new world.

Tony is there and it's the look on his face that scares her more than anything else. More than waking up in a hospital bed. More than having no memory of what happened. He looks so wounded and desperate huddled in that faded green hospital blanket. She can't understand why he won't meet her eyes.

She takes a moment to wonder where her parents are then proceeds to forget them immediately. It's not important; it's always been her and Tony.

'What happened?' she asks when he doesn't speak, noticing for the first time how dry her throat is.

Hand shaking he holds out a glass for her and as she drinks greedily he tells her what happened. The truth, because lying to everyone else is fine but not to each other. Never to each other.

She's quite as he talks. Head resting against the pillow she thinks of Spencer and Josh, of firelighters and the place where rich kids go to die. Considers the betrayal that accompanies them and knows it doesn't really matter.

He looks so sad she wants to reach out and comfort him but he's sitting too far away and then he's getting up and he's right next to her, head pressed to her side and she can feel him shaking as he cries. She stokes his hair, wishes she could do more and this feeling of tenderness would feel foreign if it were for anyone but him.

'I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, it's all my fault. I did something stupid and Josh...he was pissed, fucking psycho and I couldn't find you and then you were there on the floor and he said I had to...'

She's never seen her brother this way before but he's still her Tony so it isn't too long before he's taking a breath and getting it together. When he finally looks at her they're faces are very close. She can see every tear clinging to his eyelashes and as she leans towards him she can't help but think 'for me'.

When they kiss it's without surprise. Without thought even and it might be their first but she feels like they've been doing this forever. He's clutching at her, kissing her with a desperation she's never seen from him before and he doesn't pull away, even when they're both gasping with the need to breathe, even with the door to her hospital room wide open for anyone to see.

Eventually they do finally break apart, both panting audibly in the silence and he still looks so guilty and broken she wants so much for him to see it isn't his fault.

Effy doesn't like to speak, she has found so often that words can deceive. Instead she leans towards her brother and kisses him again.

'It's ok' she says with each kiss 'It's ok. You found me.'

Her brother has never failed to understand. He kisses her back just as fiercely. 'I will always find you'.


	3. Chapter 3

---

'Three boys, one girl. It's an insolvable equation. Unless you choose. Then we can finally get back to our lives'.

Effy doesn't look up at JJ as he speaks, keeps her eyes facing forward. Knows that her time is up.

She doesn't know how to tell him that it was never a choice between three boys but four. That there isn't even a choice really because she never decided to love her brother the way she does. She doesn't decide to breathe either, does it without thinking because it's necessary, demanded.

Loving Tony is like breathing. There's only the illusion of choice.

It doesn't matter who she's with- Cook, Freddie, JJ- everything feels like a betrayal.

They're all counting the seconds.

Decisions have to be made.

---

She expects him to be angry, when she finally arrives home and he is, but he manages to restrain himself from shouting until she's at least showered, if not slept.

When's she done in the bathroom she goes to her/his/their room, finds him sitting at the foot of the bed smoking pot and as she sits down next to him it's not the weed she smells but him- sweet and fresh and so utterly Tony she finds herself fighting back tears.

He's sitting up very straight, not leaning into her as he normally would and he's pissed at her she knows but whether it's for leaving without telling him or returning as part of a couple she can't tell.

One of them has to speak first. She gathers her courage.

'I waited but you didn't come' she says and hates the truth of it, 'Freddie was the one to find me'.

As she says the words she remembers what she'd told her mum (I'm thinking he'll know where to find me if he loves me). Her brother's lesson, taught on a beach in France- love meant never being lost. She doesn't know what that means now. Where was he when she needed him?

The past weeks have made everything feel like a lie.

'You weren't lost Effy' he says as if reading her thoughts, 'You were running and I couldn't help you with that'. He looks straight at her then, eyes as blue as her own, 'I had to wait for you to come home'.

'And I did' she wants to say 'I did come home'. Even when she wasn't sure there was anything to come home for anymore.

But part of her is still angry, still feels abandoned in a way she never did, not even in the isolation after his accident when he lay sleeping and wouldn't/couldn't open his eyes for all her pleading.

'I love him' she says instead- part truth, part punishment. He accepts it for what it is.

'Yeah, but not as much as me right'. To anyone else is would sound like a statement but for all his cocky self assurance she can hear the question in his voice.

Nothing in life is certain. She learnt that the night of Anwar's birthday party - you have to hold on to what you've got.

He reads the answer in her smile.

They're still sitting on the floor, spliff long forgotten between them and he picks her up, carries her to bed.

They fuck like it's their first time. When it was brand new and terrifying and they didn't know what any of it meant but they knew they'd never be able to stop.

The door's closed but not locked. They can hear their mother climbing the stairs. Tony doesn't even pause just leans down, covers her mouth with his and smothers her moans.

He tastes of spliff and whiskey and her.

He tastes of home.


End file.
